Benny Goodmans sextett spelar Star Dust

SOME JOKES

This is a part of my web site.

You are heartily welcome!

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter.

Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.
It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife
would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There, he decided to open
his laptop and send his wife an e-mail. However, he accidentally missed out one letter
in her address.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years
who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack.

The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. On reading
the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. Her son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I’ve arrived! I’ve just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
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My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s,
and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled,
"and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered
how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture
in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line
that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition,
he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,
and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand),
so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin
and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded,
so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

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A man has been driving all night. He decides to stop in the next town for a few hours
and get some sleep.

As luck would have it, he pulls up by a park frequented by early morning joggers.
No sooner has he settled back to get some shut-eye when a jogger starts knocking on his window.
- Excuse me, sir, says the jogger. Do you have the time?

The man looks at his car clock and says 8.15. The jogger says his thanks and leaves.

The man settles back again, but just as he’s dozing off there’s another jogger knocking on the window.
- Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?

- 8.25! snaps the man in the car.

To prevent any more interruptions the man writes a note saying "I do not know the time"
and sticks it to his window. He settles back but is disturbed by yet another jogger knocking on the window.

- Excuse me, sir, says the jogger. It’s 8.35.

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This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation
between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations
on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP
   OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

________________________________________________________________________________________

A truck driver stopped at a roadside dineer for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger,
a cup of coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motercycles
pulled up outside.

The tree bikers came in, seeminglys bored and just looking for trouble.

One of them grabbed the trucker´s cheesburger out of his hand and took a huge bit
from it, the second one took a swig of the trucker´s coffee and the third one
wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn´t say a word, merely got up,
paid the cash and left.

As soon as he was gone, the bikers started to snicker to one another and congratulate
each other on just how "bad" they´d been. When the waiter finally walked up to them,
one of the bikers growled, "He sure wasn´t much of a man now, was he?"

"He sure isn´t much of a driver either," the waiter replied. "Seems he just backed his
18-wheeler over three Harley- Davidsons!"

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"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to
the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment
when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear,
‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody
at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:
’DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR
THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’`

 
_________________________________________________________________________________________

It's shortly after three o'clock in the morning. Far, far from home a dog-tired driver
decides to stop by the roadside for a couple of hours' sleep at the wheel of his car.

He drops off almost the moment he closes his eyes, but is soon awoken by a man
tapping on the window.

- I say, you don't happen to know the time, do you?" the stranger asks.
- It's gone three o'clock," the dazed driver replies.

He winds up his window and soon falls back into a deep slumber.

Half-an-hour later another individual knocks on his window, also demanding to know
the time. The driver once again gathers his thoughts and responds that it's just after three-thirty.

When the same thing happens yet again, the now increasingly irate, sleep-deprived driver
raises his voice at the passer-by:

- It's four o'clock, for Pete's sake! Why can't you get yourself a decent watch like the rest of us?

This time when he winds up the window, he is determined not to be disturbed by anybody
anymore for any reason for the rest of the night. Hurriedly he pencils a note with the words
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!"

He attaches it to the windshield and drifts off back to sleep again. Not long afterwards
the note is spotted by a helpful police officer. He knocks on the man's window to inform him
it's five past four.

GÄLLER ALLA = VALID FOR ALL
_________________________________________________________________________________________

A highly successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50/50 partner in my business.
  All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted him: "I'm afraid I hate factories and I can't stand noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then, in that case you'll just have to work
 in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work too," said the young man. "I've never been able to put up with
 being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Now wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a money-making
 enterprise. Now you tell me you don't like factories and you don't want to work in an office.
 What am I supposed to do with you?"

"That's easy," replied the young man. "Just buy me out!"

_________________________________________________________________________________________

It's 3 o'clock in the morning and a couple are fast asleep
when suddenly the phone rings. Half dazed and thoroughly annoyed,
the husband picks up the phone and says,

"Hello? What?.......Well, how the devil do I know?
I'm not the blasted weatherman, now am I?" ...
and he promptly slams the receiver down so hard
that he breaks it.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that, honey?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, just some guy
who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday my girlfriend took me to meet her parents for the very first time.
Somehow I don't think I made a very good impression.

After eying me up and down, the father challenged me:

- Tell me, young man, are your intentions toward our daughter
  honorable or dishonorable?"

- You mean I have a choice?" I replied.

- No, of course not," he went on, "but it is important you understand
  our daughter is well reared."

I assured him there wasn't much wrong with her front half either!

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Two attorneys walked into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and promptly
exchanged sandwiches.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife:

- Hurry up or we'll be late.
- Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you
   for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him
how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open
and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed,

"What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

_________________________________________________________________________________________

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse
and started to go home.

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked

- Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?

- Yes," the golfer responded.

- Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?

- Yes, I did. How did you know?

- Well," said the policeman very seriously. Your ball flew out onto the highway
    and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control,
   crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire
   and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded

- I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says

- Perfect timing. You're just like Dave.

- Who?

- Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along
   when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.

- There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

- Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.
   He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone        and danced like a Broadway star.

- He was something, huh?"

- He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine,
   which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
   and I black out the whole neighborhood.

- No wonder you remember him.

- Well, I never actually met Dave.

- Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

- Because I married his widow.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

-Grandma, can I have some sweets?
- Have? Don’t you think you ought to give too, sometimes?
-Grandma, can you give me some sweets?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

A chat between a farmer and his neighbouring farmer.
-Ah, you see, that hind, who worked at your farm, was a careless one.
  He has made my daughter pregnant.
- Yes, he was really a whipper-snapper. At my home he broke a pithfork.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

- Dad , could I get a coin to buy an ice without the usual talk about the crisis in the thirties?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

THE EARTH = TELLUS
The english teacher asks his pupils:
- Do you know the name of the earth in latin?
- No, tell us

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Remembrance
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally
decided to ask her to marry.She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy?
I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone
and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer
to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said. "I'm so glad you called.
I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Hard enough?
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in
and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.The man said: "I'm sorry! But if your heart is
as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."
So the woman replies: "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Speeding
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible.
The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them.
The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks
if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Different premises
Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling
across the street at each other from their apartment windows.

Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist.

And why is that, inquired his companion

Why, of course, because they are arguing from different premises.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Businessmen or economist
Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away
from their course and they have no idea where they are.
So they go down to 20 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer.

"Could you tell us where we are?"

"You are in a balloon."

So the one pilot to the other:

"The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist"

"Then you must be businessmen", answers the man.

"That's right! How did you know?"

"You have such a good view from where you are and yet you don't know where you are!"

_________________________________________________________________________________________

The Phone Call

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven´t got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he´s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy´s car
just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn´t moving at all!."

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn´t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he´s dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
- I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
- And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute.

- Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn
is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter
past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small
and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.

- How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket? asks one of the men.

- Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats
but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says:

- Ticket, please.

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was
quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing
on the return trip to save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see,
to their astonishment, that the three women don´t buy any ticket at all!!

- How are you going to travel without a ticket? says one perplexed man.

- Watch and learn answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet
and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly
after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks
over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door
and says

- Ticket, please.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England.
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby.
The local doctor is there in attendance.

- What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?
- Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!

The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

- Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy.
- Saints be praised, I...

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts.

-Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.

Soon the doctor delivers the next child.
- You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.
- Thanks be to...

Again the Doctor cuts in
- Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby
for Mike's inspection.

- Doctor," asks Mike, Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

A Scot was taking his girl friend for a walk. As they passed a food stall
in the street, his girl friend said:
- Oh, that smells nice!
- Yes, it really does, do you want to walk past it again?

- When does the next ship leave for America?
- In half an hour.
- Isn't there one leaving earlier?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

- I think we have guests.
- Why do you think that?
- Mum is laughing at Dad's jokes.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an " I ".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an " I ". Always put 'am' after an " I ".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy.
You need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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A Norwegien says to a Swede: "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The Swede says: "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The Norwegien says: "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days,
she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice
which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however,
she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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Take care of your health!