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The Phone Call
((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven´t got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he´s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy´s car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn´t moving at all!."
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn´t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he´s dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
- I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
- And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
- Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn
is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter
past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small
and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.
- How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket? asks one of the men.
- Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats
but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says:
- Ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was
quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing
on the return trip to save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see,
to their astonishment, that the three women don´t buy any ticket at all!!
- How are you going to travel without a ticket? says one perplexed man.
- Watch and learn answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet
and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly
after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks
over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says
- Ticket, please.
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England.
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby.
The local doctor is there in attendance.
- What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?
- Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!
The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
- Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy.
- Saints be praised, I...
Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts.
-Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.
Soon the doctor delivers the next child.
- You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.
- Thanks be to...
Again the Doctor cuts in
- Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!
Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
- Doctor," asks Mike, Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?
A Scot was taking his girl friend for a walk. As they passed a food stall
in the street, his girl friend said:
- Oh, that smells nice!
- Yes, it really does, do you want to walk past it again?
- When does the next ship leave for America?
- In half an hour.
- Isn't there one leaving earlier?
- I think we have guests.
- Why do you think that?
- Mum is laughing at Dad's jokes.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an " I ".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an " I ". Always put 'am' after an " I ".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. You need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A Norwegien says to a Swede: "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The Swede says: "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The Norwegien says: "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days,
she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice
which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however,
she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Above all take care of your eyes
If you can´t read the letters above you may extend the
distance to them!
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
[Five minutes later]
[Five minutes later]
Too many (and hard to explain)
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained,
The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening,
So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - two with
Take care of your health!
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy
and have the baby there.
and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''
''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand
what it means.''
the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him
to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated
the cardiac arrest.
sausage and meatballs, two without.'''
